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| My eye is twitching and I have a rash?
Excellent.
If I wasn't so anxious, nervous, and sick....
I'd be excited.
but, nah, just being choked by a lump in my throat.
Officially, I hate this noise.
That is all.
<3 | | |
| I finished my 900 community service stint today.
I am officially Americorps Alum.
Congratulations to me.
It was bittersweet.
I made some amazing friendships this past year
and not seeing then on a at least weekly basis
is going to suck.
What will I do when something goes wrong in my life?
I'm not sure.
this is new.
So, tomorrow I start my new life.
With no school.
With only one job.
without any real volunteer commitments.
I don't know how thats going to go.
I left work today for the final time
after handing in my key
and I was so excited.
I worked about 180 hours this month
on top of my other job and I'm done.
Really, I was done.
I was so excited to be out of there.
I don't have to be in two places at once for now.
but..... that excitement only lasted about....
35 minutes.
cause my Ipod played a song that brought me back to the real world.
which one plane of the real world is this fucking nonsense with that fucking kid.
I miss him. Alot.
and he's supposed to be home soon.
there has been no word yet, and when there is I won't know of it.
but, I was once again thinking about NOT seeing him,
cause I won't,
and I've realized....
I don't want to pass him on the street.
I don't want to bump into him in Walmart.
I don't want to drive passed the places he'll be hanging out.
I don't want to see his facebook posts.
I don't want to see the pictures.
I don't want to know he's home.
I don't want to know that he is only 2 miles away.
cause the thought of knowing he's home and not seeing him
hurts a floppityjillion more times then
the idea of seeing him then having to say goodbye.
I really don't think I am going to see him at all.
but, if for reason I do get to, it will be a one time thing.
and that'll be that.
and I am sure I will miss him more afterwards- cause thats how those things work.
This really feels like a lose lose situation.
So.
I know I've given my final world time and time and time again
but this time I am forseriously forserious.
When I don't see him when he's home
I am deleting him off facebook and erasing his phone number.
If he wants to talk to me, he can figure out how to find me.
He can fight a little.
I can never say I didn't try and I can never say I didn't go down without a fight.
But there comes a time when things become out of hand and ridiculous and pathetic.
And I have reached that state tenfold.
I miss him so much, I can feel where his hug is supposed to go.
It feels missing.
After this is over and done with I hope I never have to feel anything like this again.
Its a constant lump in my throat, It's a constant anger.
It's a constant......
state of mourning.
I could shout to the masses and the skies
and it wouldn't make a difference.
it doesn't matter.
at all.
I just needed to get it off my chest.
I am sorry,
I am so sorry for even thinking it and feeling it
and putting it out there like this.
This needs to be over. Now.
| | |
| It's just like clock work.
I realize it's over with one boy (more on that later)
and the other boy shows back up.
Hasn't talked to me in months.
"Hey, was just thinking about you. Miss you."
O_O
HOW DO THEY DO IT?!!
Last time it was the other way around.
I just can't understand them.
So.
Yesterday it dawned on me that
I have let myself fall victim to "other woman syndrome."
He told me he loved me, and despite not really liking the person he has become,
I clung to it for dear life.
In the process never for a second could I be HAPPY for him.
Be proud of him.
or be anything but mad at him.
I've been selfish.
I admit it.
and for that I am sorry.
I don't know what else to say.
Shit is ruined.
FUBAR.
It sucks.
It really really sucks.
I don't know how else to put it.
I'm sorry for making it suck.
I am sorry for letting it suck.
I am sorry for being selfish.
Congratulations to you and the misses.
I wish you a long, happy life together.
<3
| | |
| In an unexpected twist
it seems like the powers-that-be have spoken
and until further notice no serious discussions, if any at all, will be had.
Good fucking times,
great. great. great. fucking times.
| | |
| I'm angry.
and what's making me happy
(besides looking at the photos of Adam Levine in Cosmo- holy hannah hott stuff)
is picturing myself stradled over his chest, knees pinned down his arms
either strangling him, spooning his eyes out, or teasing the shit out of him.
Amazing how my violent fantasies have a sexual twist to them.
Makes me wonder about myself, really.
-sigh- Of course I would never hurt anybody. I don't have it in me.
My overthetop angry-blow out-out of control-temper tantrum looks alot like
my poop face.
As much as I like to think I do, I do not have a last straw.
I get angry, I get mad and sad and hurt
but I wouldn't be able to ever inflict pain on others.
I can't even watch people get needles....
It's just a bloody death scene in my head right now.
-sigh-
it doesn't matter how many ways I dismember him, string him up, cut him down, torture,
tease, taunt, love, hate, kiss, hit, bite, punch, nail gun, ax, surprise, hug, cuddle him
in my head- it doesn't change things.
I'm back to feeling that:
"THIS COULD BE OKAY IF I KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON BUT YOU DON'T TALK TO ME, YOU DON'T LET ME IN, I'M WORKING WITH WHAT I GOT AND I'M JUST GETTING TANGLED IN KNOTS."
Can't say that though cause I just get "yea"ed to death.
So, here's what I have to figure out:
will an ice cream scoop or a melon baller work better to remove an eye from its socket?
is it still worth fighting for?
how do I stop trying?
How do I get thru to you?
Do I stop trying?
grumble. grumble.
grumbbbleee.
-Bailey. | | |
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